ON THE ROAD WITH BERNICE

Anyone who knows me understands my directional disabilities - on a good day I only have to make 2 U-turns, and that's going to places I've visited before. I rely soley on landmarks, and Lord help me if they tear a building down.

So imagine their surprise and chagrin when I told them I was embarking on a cross country tour to market my latest book "George & Bob Stories: Life Lessons From Little Brothers."

My publisher wanted me to exhaust all possibilites before releasing my next book, so on the road was the only way to go.

"How will you get there?" my girlfriends asked, genuinely concerned. The four of us had just finished a nice salad and a bottle of wine. No dessert for me this go round, I was trying to loose the baby weight from my last child born 25 years ago.

"I'll hop on a plane" I answered confidently. "The rates have gone down considerably, you know."

"Ok, but how will you get to the hotel, the book store?" They looked at each other in agreement.

I was beginning to think my lovely friends didn't think too highly of my reasoning skills.

"I'll rent a car" trying not to sound too condescending.

"Ah yes, but there's the rub" one of them said gently. "How are you going to know how to get where you're going?"

I smiled. I couldn't fault them, really. They've seen me at my worst, missing the exit for 390N about three times before I realized I was supposed to be heading south and was on the right road all along.

"Really" another said, chiding me ever so slightly. "Think about it. You would be in the middle of a big city and not know a soul. It's not safe for a woman to travel alone these days."

That was the last straw. I have always been independant, and was not going to let my directional disability ruin my chances at furthering a rewarding career I had finally found.

"Easy" I answered simply. "I'll use one of those directional things you put in your car. What are they called?" Tom-tom? Onstar? Garmin?"

No one said anything for a moment. I could tell the gears were shifting in their mind by the look in their eyes. It just might work.......



GPS (Global Positioning Systems) are a gift from God to people like me.
Finally arriving at Dulles Airport, I took the shuttle to the Budget Rental Car where my shiny red Escape awaited me. A nice young man who was a cross between Alex Keaton and Marty McFly greeted me, but I could tell he wanted to be anywhere but there.
After signing the paperwork, the young man behind the counter asked me if I needed a GPS. Do the Olson twins need a pizza? I thought to myself.

"Yes, thanks." I really hated to have to ask the next question.

"Can you show me how to use it?"

"Sure" he smiled, not missing a beat. I probably reminded him of a crazy aunt who took off for Vegas one summer, and he figured he will help me not to wind up there, and hoping he wouln't have to wait on me again.

"Its really easy" he said and thus began my GPS lesson 101.



The big red Escape loomed before me. I chuckled to myself how appropriate the name was for this newest adventure. The parking lot was full of bright colored cars, but mine was the brightest. The gods probably knew to give me that color car so I would be able to find it when I parked it myself.


Sticking the unit to the dashboard and plugging the other end into the cigarette lighter, I sat back and got comfortable. Adjusting the windows, checking the locations of the windshield wipers and headlights, I settled in and turned on the unit.

"Fasten your seatbelt."

Wow. The thing even knew that I hadn't buckled up. Cool.

I leaned forward to check my lipstick when it spoke to me again.

"Never mind that, fancy pants. Fasten your seatbelt."

A side note here.

Most commercials on television and radio show a man using his new GPS system, and the voice of the unit is that of a throaty, sexy female, asking him to 'turn right in .2 miles' or 'arriving at destination in 3 minutes.'

Not my GPS. My unit sounded like a 40 something Jewish Princess who had been smoking since she was 10 years old.

Plus, she had cramps.

"Fasten your seatbelt" she admonished me once again.
"Ok, ok" I said, looking for the buckle which had fallen behind the seat.
"Jeez, I haven't even turned the car on yet and you're giving me a hard time."

Silence. Good. Let her know who's boss around here.

Turning the key in the ignition, I punched in the address of the hotel.

"You're staying there?" the voice answered? "Oy vey, what a dump!"

"Yes" I got a good deal and I need to save......hey wait a minute, let's get something straight!"
"Yeah, what's that?"

I calmed myself. I was arguing with a machine who was there to help me. No sense getting all worked up. Besides, she could intentionally get me lost and then I'd be in real trouble. The map beside me on the passenger seat was laughing, after I had unsuccessfully tried to chart my route by hand. Folding him up backwards didn't help.

I put my hands up in the air.

"Listen" I said in earnest. "I think we got off to a bumpy start."

"Hmmph" she answered noncommital.
"Let's start over. My name is Eileen."

She thought about it for awhile before answering. I could tell she was waiting to see if there was a better offer coming down the pike, but for now, I was it.

"Pleased to meetcha" gravelly throat and all. Think Brenda Vaccaro on a bad day after two packs of Winstons.

"My name is Bernice. Bernice Garmen."

I smiled, turning my face towards the highway. "Nice to meet you, Bernice." Putting the gear shift into Drive, we were off.

"Ok, darling" she asked. "Where do you want to go?"

She got me to the hotel. Eventually.

Stay tuned.......