I’m feeling so many different emotions this May Day of 2011.
After spending a dreary and lonely winter in Idaho, I have returned to my home state of New York to visit my children, open the lake house, say hello to those I love and miss, and bury a friend who died way too soon. Seeing old friends and family who loved her as much as I did brought home the fact that we have all grown old together. The lines on our faces, and the grey in our hair does not lie. It is hard to believe that nearly 20 years has passed in the blink of an eye. It has been perhaps the most enigmatic 12 months I have ever experienced.
This will also be my first Mother’s Day without my Mom, and I know my siblings will feel the loss as much as I do. Although we are all in different states of location, we are one state of hearts. She will be missed. With both our parents gone, we are the generation to lead.
My children now have children of their own, and their friends are all the age I was when I first moved to the neighborhood where some still reside. It is a testament of the staying power of friendship and devotion, for they have all vowed to stay in touch and grow old together as well. It was thrilling to see some of them on this visit, to hear their voices and to see their faces as they looked upon mine. I was everyone’s mother for a time, and now they are their own.
Soon it will be time to return to Idaho, to my life among the high desert and the open space. I know I need to give her another chance. I moved there in the bleakest of winter on record, with the darkest of days surrounding me. I know now that I have to see past the clouds and look for the sunlight, because it lies in Idaho as well as anywhere else I have called home. I will let myself embrace the kindness of hearts, look for the smiling faces and the welcoming arms of friendship, for I know that is evident everywhere. You only have to look outside your own heart to see it.
So back I will go, to the land of potatoes, pioneers and the eyelash phenomenon. I will come back to New York from time to time, but it is no longer home. I belong now to the snow covered mountains, the head strong winds and the brightness of the stars. I will make my mark there, and leave a piece of me when I leave.
I will conquer Idaho. It will not conquer me.
1 comment:
You will always leave pieces of yourself in the place you were born. I feel the same way about Ohio where I was born, grew up, got married, had my children...all that. Now I live in New York State and I will conquer this place, it will not get me down the way it did the first 15 years I lived here. I am still proudly an Ohio girl.
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